A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Posts tagged ‘men/women relationships’

Why to be stunningly hot or ugly can be your best bet

Yet another proof, in my opinion, the better you have come to terms with yourself and can shamelessly flaunt it, the better outcome you will get. Your flaws are actually your assets. They make you stand out. The most successful women are those who stand out. You love them or you hate them, they leave nobody indifferent though. They won’t be ignored, therefore will get the most valuable messages and contacts from really interested men than the “just cute” ones.

The article below demonstrates, from objective data, that :
– the more men as groups disagree about a women’s look, the more they end up liking her.
– guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute.
– and, in fact, having some men think she’s ugly actually works in woman’s favor.

Curious to know why and to catch a glimpse of how the man’s brain works sometimes? Read below… ;)

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.” (Jean Cocteau)

“http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-mathematics-of-beauty/”

Your thoughts ? :)

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Americans date, French meet : one word, a thousand implications

Dating websites” in French is translated as “sites de rencontres”, literally “meeting websites”. We wouldn’t talk about “dates” here, but about “meetings”.
It may sound like a detail. Though it reveals much more than just a difference of language ; it shows a difference of mentality.

Different words, different implications, different influences on our approach of the other gender.

rendez-vous

French surf on “meeting websites”. When they make contacts, their primary idea is to exchange with interesting people, get to know them a little and see if they have enough in common to expect to spend a fun time together. If so, then meet up and take it from there. There are seldom unrealistic expectations on either side. No pressure.

The idea of finding the “right person” is not our #1 priority at all. We actually don’t even think of it. That dream of “instant chemistry” and “love at first sight” can entertain us in movies ; we don’t systematically hope, even less expect it to come true in real life. We don’t go to “dates” with the secret expectation of meeting our “soul mate”. We certainly expect no miracle to happen over a quick cup of coffee or even a dinner.
It may not sound romantic, but the French are realistic people. :)

I’ve found out it was somewhat different in the USA. I’ve found out women, as well as men actually, when they go on a date, often hold higher expectations than just “meeting someone nice and friendly”. This, in my opinion, not only puts an undue pressure on themselves, but also a heavy load on the date.
Such pressure shatters the self-confidence. It becomes difficult to act naturally. Difficult, under those circumstances, to look one’s best. Too many projections and questions going on… This often leads to the mistake of focusing more on themselves than on the other person. They lose focus of what the real deal should be : to meet another human being.
It is harder to be rejected by someone you expected a lot from than by just anybody. And this, should the person suit you or not. It leads you to question your power of attraction.
Therefore, many either daren’t even go for it.
Many others don’t fail to be disappointed when they meet somebody they’ve started to date on-line. Of course, nobody, ever, can be up to a fantasy! Therefore they would soon get discouraged and throw the towel off. :(
The higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment.

The realistic French know that. So they take and make meeting via websites easier and lighter. We would go to the “date” we actually don’t call “date” in a relaxed state of mind. No big expectations and certainly not the one to meet our life partner.
As long as the other person is polite and educated enough, a good and fun conversationalist, we’re quite able to enjoy the meeting, even though the chemistry is not there.
We may never see each other again, set no other meeting, even less fall in love, but this is not a pre-requirement. Therefore we seldom feel we’ve wasted our time and get discouraged because we’ve not met our “soul mate” or “other half” or “the one”. We have enjoyed a nice evening and that’s fine. :)
Because we seek to meet another human being first.

I’ve met people on-line for decades and never, ever, experienced any disappointment. People were always who they said they were and very close to whom I expected to meet. I can perfectly meet people who don’t seem to meet my requirements as far as romantic relationships go, only because I find their personality interesting, fun, unusual, even sometimes fascinating. So what ? Life and relationships don’t boil down to finding Mr or Mrs Right, do they ? Life can be full of surprises and you may meet the right person when you expect it the least. Online profiles seldom gives you a 100% accurate idea of who the person really is, and certainly doesn’t tell ALL of him (her).

A quick poll among my friends shows I am not an exception. :)
They all clearly stated they’d never been to a “meet up” with anything else in mind than curiosity, openness and the desire to get to know somebody a priori interesting.
Sure, men often expect to get at least a one night stand, yet not all of them. Should things happen not to end this way, there is no hard feelings because, after all, no promise has been made and no definite expectation set. If some sort of positive connection takes place, chances are you can become friends or at least keep in touch. At any rate make the most of the meeting and turn it into something positive for both. And if it doesn’t work out for some reason, no drama.

Just a little switch in terminology can bring quite a different outcome. How does it sound ? :)

Women, know your limits !

Ah! Ah! Just in a funny mood today. :D

What do you think of this ? :)

I chose not to be a victim

Just stumbled on that article about traumas :

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-is-your-belief-system-about-trauma.html

Objectively, I’ve experienced more traumas than the average person living in a free occidental democracy : multiple assaults and rapes, sequestration, bombings…
Yet I NEVER felt I was a victim. I’m not because I’m alive and never gave my aggressors the satisfaction to get what they actually sought.
None of those and none of them have taken their toll on me.

Feeling so led me to not generalize anything and to not believe because it happened once, it would happen again, with any other man or every time I would be under similar circumstances. Every story is a new story, with a new person. Every new story is a brand new experience.

I never thought “why me” and even less “I somehow deserved it”.
Facts are facts and neutral. As the article said, life is neither fair nor unfair. WE perceive it as such because we’ve been conditioned to believe if we are “good”, we will be rewarded, but if we are “bad”, we will be punished.
Nothing is more untrue, it doesn’t work this way. Look around you, you will see plenty of evidences of that.
As soon as you’ve integrated this idea, you’re saved. You understand those events are not related to you or your behavior, but totally random.

Your choice then to decide wether you will let them spoil the rest of your life and prevent you from living and enjoying it to the fullest or wether you will take them for what they are : random facts, experiences among others making you more knowledgeable, more skilled and capable to handle even more even better.

I know what my choice is. What is yours ?

Want to be treated like a lady ? Behave like one !

Audrey Hepburn & Grace Kelly

I guess we all, women, appreciate men to treat us like ladies. Actually most, particularly in the USA, from what I’ve seen, simply expect it as a given.
While French women too like it, most believe to get it, they must behave ladylike first. Plus, they know it is an efficient way to attract men and win them over.
This, too, is part of the “je ne sais quoi”. :)

Please, carefully listen to the lyrics of the famous song below. A man tells you who he considers a lady and how she makes him feel. :)

A lady is clearly conscious of her self-worth, so doesn’t need to throw who she is at everybody’s face nor to flaunt any of her qualities, physical assets or achievements. This could only show latent insecurities or presumptuousness, both are not of a lady. A lady is humble and discrete because she can afford it. No risk for her to go unnoticed and she knows it. ;)

She is genuinely respectful, caring and well-mannered. Well-mannered means she knows how to appropriately behave and react under any circumstance.
It is easy, provided you keep in mind to put others’ comfort before yours.

Show equal consideration to everybody, regardless of their social status, appearance, intelligence and culture, etc…
Manage for the other person to feel great and valuable, comfortable and at ease and don’t embarrass him in any way, even less make him feel inadequate.
Don’t criticize, despise or even only look annoyed, particularly in public. Compliments and appreciation will lead you further than criticism and complaints so subtly and discretely help if needed, just to show you care, not more.

Should you wish something specific, don’t demand. Suggest or graciously ask. Take no service for granted, thus never forget to give smiling thanks for whatever is done for you, even minor things.

Remains calm, unruffled and pleasant whatever the circumstances. Not because you’re a wallflower, but because you can adapt with ease and without complaining. Don’t sound harsh, and weight your words up before you speak.
A true lady is also a positive, indulgent person who can see humor in the worst situations, avoid dramas and knows how to lighten up the mood.

Others, particularly men, highly appreciate that. It is not that common they would take it for granted. What a refreshing change from what they too often experience! :D
An easy way for you to score points and attract them even more. ;)
They won’t consider you less than who you are: it will be the opposite. Your attitude will give them room to be themselves and boost their self-confidence. It will take nothing off of you, will bring a lot to them though, consequently to you, for they will feel like pleasing you and up to it.

A true lady doesn’t compete with men on their ground. She has her own specific assets and uses them. Therefore men feel safe with her because neither do they feel belittled nor threatened.
To behave like a real lady will bring you gratefulness, respect, appreciation and even admiration from them. This will make you utmost attractive in the eyes of many and, even better, they will like you for who you are, not only for what you look. And, who knows… even love you ? :)
For, as the song says : “What she’s got is hard to find, and I don’t want to lose her”. :)