A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Archive for the ‘Self-confidence’ Category

I chose not to be a victim

Just stumbled on that article about traumas :

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-is-your-belief-system-about-trauma.html

Objectively, I’ve experienced more traumas than the average person living in a free occidental democracy : multiple assaults and rapes, sequestration, bombings…
Yet I NEVER felt I was a victim. I’m not because I’m alive and never gave my aggressors the satisfaction to get what they actually sought.
None of those and none of them have taken their toll on me.

Feeling so led me to not generalize anything and to not believe because it happened once, it would happen again, with any other man or every time I would be under similar circumstances. Every story is a new story, with a new person. Every new story is a brand new experience.

I never thought “why me” and even less “I somehow deserved it”.
Facts are facts and neutral. As the article said, life is neither fair nor unfair. WE perceive it as such because we’ve been conditioned to believe if we are “good”, we will be rewarded, but if we are “bad”, we will be punished.
Nothing is more untrue, it doesn’t work this way. Look around you, you will see plenty of evidences of that.
As soon as you’ve integrated this idea, you’re saved. You understand those events are not related to you or your behavior, but totally random.

Your choice then to decide wether you will let them spoil the rest of your life and prevent you from living and enjoying it to the fullest or wether you will take them for what they are : random facts, experiences among others making you more knowledgeable, more skilled and capable to handle even more even better.

I know what my choice is. What is yours ?

Want to brighten up your world? REFORMULATE

reformulate !

“Your thoughts create your reality”, “True beauty comes from within”, “You are what you think”… Who has never read or heard those assertions ?

In other words, if you want to change your current life, you must change who you are inside first. Easier said than done. Where to begin with ?

The good news is you can change from the outside and get the same result. :)

Ever noticed how a new haircut, a new dress, good news, being in love can improve your mood and outlook on life? All of a sudden, the world looks bright, you feel good. Because you feel good, you smile, hold your head up and feel like hugging everybody. Consequently, you look more self-confident, people are attracted to you and you would answer positively.

Do you go to the hair stylist’s everyday ? Do you buy new dresses every day ? Do you hear only good news all the time ? Are you in love and floating on a pink cloud 24/7 ? Here again easier said than done. :)

But there is something you can do 24/7, 365 days /year, which is always available, costs nothing and proves very effective: REFORMULATE.

Of course, you know the classical story of the half-full, half-empty cup. The cup itself is just a cup. It is the way you see it which gives it its meaning.
You can always see anything as positive or negative. Both are equally true, they describe the same thing. A difference in your outlook can drastically change the outcome though.

One effective way to see the cup half-full and the brighter and more positive side of things is to watch your words.
Ban “not” from your vocabulary. Use positive, affirmative expressions. Any negative sentence has a positive equivalent.

Try it, it’s easy. When something upsets you or puts you down, take a sheet of paper and write your thoughts down.
Then reread your text and reformulate it using only positive assertions.

“I can’t do that” becomes “I will do that”
“I’m stuck in the traffic jams again” becomes “Wonderful ! I’m offered an opportunity to finish this book now and know who the murderer is !”
“Things like this happen to me only, I can’t believe how unlucky I am !” becomes “Yet another experience. Great, I’ve learned something today. Next time, I shall know how to handle it”

The list is endless, you get the idea though.
Don’t let your thoughts wander in the future, focus on the now and on the reformulation. Progressively, as you write, your stress will fade away, you’ll feel more optimistic and confident, thus more able to turn what comes next into something positive for you.
Only because reformulation will have helped you focus on the half-full cup. This will impact your mood, thus your behaviour and even your look. It will impact the way people see and perceive you and your response to upcoming events. All in a positive way, of course. :)

You may have to think a bit at first. But, sooner than you believe, it will become a second nature, you will realize the switch in your thoughts has become automatic.

Your world will become a fairy tale overnight but your attitude will change, and your attitude impacts others’. A positive attitude has a positive impact and attracts positive people. It is a virtuous circle. :)

The method may sound so simple it is silly. I’ve used it with many clients though. Sceptical at first, since they were coming from a place of negativity, they eventually couldn’t believe how quickly that little “trick” could effectively work.

Just try it and let me know what happened. ;)

To look your best, focus on your best !

Too often complexes women (and men!) carry about their physical appearance shatter their self-confidence. How sad, when it could so easily be otherwise!
We all have something about it we don’t like or would like different. Nobody’s perfect, right ?
I could make a whole lecture on self-acceptance, etc… to solve that issue. All good pieces of advice.
But there is a truth that works better and every time : what you focus on about yourself, others notice. What you forget about, they overlook. So basically simple! :)

Most of the time we wrongly assume that others see us with our eyes. Of course, it is not true. They are not us and come from another place. They don’t think with our mind, but theirs, their tastes, priorities and criteria are different.

I shall write another article about projections, because projections are a key issue.
Once you will have understood how they work and why they are so effective, you will see how easily you can improve your life, relationships and communication in many ways.

But for now, a few simple tips :
– Remember you are not a matter of only one or two physical features, you’re much more than that. What may look a big thing to you often appears as a detail to others.
– Never mention what you consider a flaw of yours when you seek to charm someone. Why deliberately bring his (her) attention to anything you would like him (her) to forget about unless you seek to self-sabotage.
– Focus on what you like instead. Yes, there is something in your appearance which you like. :) Think again… Your smile? Your eyes? Your hair? Your hands? Your feet? :D OK. So, from now on, think: “I am my smile”, “I am my eyes”, etc…. This is magic. Because it will change your own perception of yourself, thus the others’ perception of you.
– Of course, you’re not a matter of that only either. But if you catch somebody’s attention, better it be on what you consider the best part of you because it is what they will remember. ;)

When you focus on just one or two things in your anatomy which bother you, you implicitly send out the message that this is what you are. Deep inside, you know this is not true, don’t you? So, why not focus on what you like instead and send out the message you’re the best part of yourself? :)

It may require a bit of conscious thinking before it becomes a reflex and a second nature. It will happen sooner than you may believe though. Particularly when you can see the outcome of this simple switch in your thinking and perception.

You will seldom get a second chance to make a first good impression, so why not try this right away ? :)

What does to be “pretty” mean exactly?

Anglo-Saxon women and American women in particular seem to assume these issues are universal when they are not. For a French and many Europeans, that video makes no sense at all. We have another definition of “pretty”.
And, from my experience, American men seek nothing different in a woman than French or European men in general. It is all a huge misunderstanding making American (Canadian, Australian, British) women’s life unduly complicated and even sometimes miserable when it hasn’t to be so, in my opinion.

What makes a woman pretty for us then ?

ATTITUDE

A pretty woman is self-confident. If she’s not quite yet, at any rate, she wants to be loved and appreciated for who she is, not because she will meet specific standards.
She is her main referent
She doesn’t spend her time comparing herself to others, she doesn’t feel she’s in a constant competition
She feels good with who she is, despite not everybody may like it
She has a sense of humor and can also afford to laugh at herself, should the case arise.
Therefore she’s usually smiling, open and more tolerant than most
She’s not afraid to express herself. If she’s shy, she makes it cute (another asset).
She doesn’t wonder how good she is in bed. She’s spontaneous and natural. After all, guys don’t go for girls they’re not attracted to, are they ?

LOOKS

She cherishes her small flaws and knows how to turn them into assets
Like many, she’d rather be slim, have a smooth skin and beautiful teeth. It is as much, if not more, a matter of health as of appearance though.
She carries herself and her differences naturally and with ease
She doesn’t have to be classically beautiful, she’s got charm. Much more powerful !
Whatever she wears, says or does is yet another occasion for her to show her personality and stress her uniqueness
She considers fashion as a source of inspiration. She wouldn’t copy though, she would create her own look, picking ideas here and there and improving them her own way. Nothing worse than to look like your neighbor or any movie star’s clone ! :(
She wears what she likes and fits her.
She doesn’t need to wear sexy clothes to feel sexy. If she does, it is because she’s in the mood for that.
She doesn’t need a lot of make up. Actually, she could wear none at all at times (no bad surprise in the morning, guys!). When she does, it is because she likes it this way or because the fancy strikes her and she wants to have fun.

Pretty rhymes with personality and self-acceptance.

It doesn’t mean though, a pretty woman would seek no self-improvement. Only she would do it for herself first and foremost. And she would at all cost preserve what makes her unique and special.
Polls show that French women score higher than American women on having a positive self-identity, and culture is a big factor. American women too can take charge of the woman in the mirror, rather than leaving her to everyone else for fixing.
Fortunately, this is something you can learn and I offer to help. :)

Have you ever faced that issue ? Which definition of “pretty” does appeal to you the most?

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