A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Archive for the ‘Men/women relationships’ Category

Why to be stunningly hot or ugly can be your best bet

Yet another proof, in my opinion, the better you have come to terms with yourself and can shamelessly flaunt it, the better outcome you will get. Your flaws are actually your assets. They make you stand out. The most successful women are those who stand out. You love them or you hate them, they leave nobody indifferent though. They won’t be ignored, therefore will get the most valuable messages and contacts from really interested men than the “just cute” ones.

The article below demonstrates, from objective data, that :
– the more men as groups disagree about a women’s look, the more they end up liking her.
– guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute.
– and, in fact, having some men think she’s ugly actually works in woman’s favor.

Curious to know why and to catch a glimpse of how the man’s brain works sometimes? Read below… ;)

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.” (Jean Cocteau)

“http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-mathematics-of-beauty/”

Your thoughts ? :)

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Facebook: the future of on line dating ?

find me on FB

I started online dating even before the era of the Internet. At the time, only a happy few could use it: the connection was expensive and it was not socially admitted yet. I’ve met a bunch of very interesting people this way, many friends, and my daughter’s father, most of them I’m still in touch with after decades. Because it was somehow a “private club”.

Then came the Internet, as we know it now. So I moved on to dating websites, the most famous at the time being Match.com which still exists, though it has changed a lot since. There again, although the access was free, I’ve met great people because not anybody would go on-line to date. It took a while, a decade or so, for the majority to acknowledge it was a great new way to meet somebody and openly admit they tried it.

As online dating became more and more successful, websites went multiplying. More or less all similar. A few tried to stand out offering various features, soon copied by the others.
Nowadays you can find all types of websites, targeting all kinds of people (Christians, Black, Asians, So-called “selected” ones, etc…). Some, like E-Harmony for instance, even offer to help you go through the dating process.
Of course, the main ones would suggest you “matches”, based on your requirements and “so-called” personality and compatibility tests. How many did you find who were actually real matches to you though ? Not very surprising it doesn’t wonderfully work, since people are not machines and a computer, at least for the time being, can’t replace the human brain, even less understand your feelings.

I don’t mean you can’t meet your significant other on dating websites. Thank God, it can work ! :D And fortunately so, for more and more ask you to pay for a membership, so I guess the very least you can expect is to meet potential matches, right ? :) Yet, more often than not, the return on investment is rather low, isn’t it ?

Nowadays, those sites have become so crowdy that everybody, the best and the worst, is on there now. So you can’t even tell for sure whom you’re actually talking to. Scammers of all kinds, liars, pretenders, etc, etc… the list is endless.
And to contact those people, you would have to pay? Don’t expect the websites to do the cast out for you!
True that most scammers wouldn’t bother to become a member, although many do. They see it as an investment. But, even though, paying for a membership doesn’t protect you from all the others and there is certainly no guarantee of result.

On the other hand, four of my friends recently met on Facebook and are now married.
And, coming to think of it, I begun to realize Facebook (and other social media, but Facebook is the biggest) was actually a fantastic tool to date on-line, although differently, using different codes and processes.
As for me, I’m convinced, although it has already started, it will become more and more popular among on-line daters in the future.

So I thought of comparing the different “services” those sites offer versus what you can find on Facebook for instance. Which is the most effective ? Who can take advantage of moving on from dating on dedicated sites to Facebook. ? The pros and cons of each.

This is what I shall detail in another post. Stay tuned ! ;)

Americans date, French meet : one word, a thousand implications

Dating websites” in French is translated as “sites de rencontres”, literally “meeting websites”. We wouldn’t talk about “dates” here, but about “meetings”.
It may sound like a detail. Though it reveals much more than just a difference of language ; it shows a difference of mentality.

Different words, different implications, different influences on our approach of the other gender.

rendez-vous

French surf on “meeting websites”. When they make contacts, their primary idea is to exchange with interesting people, get to know them a little and see if they have enough in common to expect to spend a fun time together. If so, then meet up and take it from there. There are seldom unrealistic expectations on either side. No pressure.

The idea of finding the “right person” is not our #1 priority at all. We actually don’t even think of it. That dream of “instant chemistry” and “love at first sight” can entertain us in movies ; we don’t systematically hope, even less expect it to come true in real life. We don’t go to “dates” with the secret expectation of meeting our “soul mate”. We certainly expect no miracle to happen over a quick cup of coffee or even a dinner.
It may not sound romantic, but the French are realistic people. :)

I’ve found out it was somewhat different in the USA. I’ve found out women, as well as men actually, when they go on a date, often hold higher expectations than just “meeting someone nice and friendly”. This, in my opinion, not only puts an undue pressure on themselves, but also a heavy load on the date.
Such pressure shatters the self-confidence. It becomes difficult to act naturally. Difficult, under those circumstances, to look one’s best. Too many projections and questions going on… This often leads to the mistake of focusing more on themselves than on the other person. They lose focus of what the real deal should be : to meet another human being.
It is harder to be rejected by someone you expected a lot from than by just anybody. And this, should the person suit you or not. It leads you to question your power of attraction.
Therefore, many either daren’t even go for it.
Many others don’t fail to be disappointed when they meet somebody they’ve started to date on-line. Of course, nobody, ever, can be up to a fantasy! Therefore they would soon get discouraged and throw the towel off. :(
The higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment.

The realistic French know that. So they take and make meeting via websites easier and lighter. We would go to the “date” we actually don’t call “date” in a relaxed state of mind. No big expectations and certainly not the one to meet our life partner.
As long as the other person is polite and educated enough, a good and fun conversationalist, we’re quite able to enjoy the meeting, even though the chemistry is not there.
We may never see each other again, set no other meeting, even less fall in love, but this is not a pre-requirement. Therefore we seldom feel we’ve wasted our time and get discouraged because we’ve not met our “soul mate” or “other half” or “the one”. We have enjoyed a nice evening and that’s fine. :)
Because we seek to meet another human being first.

I’ve met people on-line for decades and never, ever, experienced any disappointment. People were always who they said they were and very close to whom I expected to meet. I can perfectly meet people who don’t seem to meet my requirements as far as romantic relationships go, only because I find their personality interesting, fun, unusual, even sometimes fascinating. So what ? Life and relationships don’t boil down to finding Mr or Mrs Right, do they ? Life can be full of surprises and you may meet the right person when you expect it the least. Online profiles seldom gives you a 100% accurate idea of who the person really is, and certainly doesn’t tell ALL of him (her).

A quick poll among my friends shows I am not an exception. :)
They all clearly stated they’d never been to a “meet up” with anything else in mind than curiosity, openness and the desire to get to know somebody a priori interesting.
Sure, men often expect to get at least a one night stand, yet not all of them. Should things happen not to end this way, there is no hard feelings because, after all, no promise has been made and no definite expectation set. If some sort of positive connection takes place, chances are you can become friends or at least keep in touch. At any rate make the most of the meeting and turn it into something positive for both. And if it doesn’t work out for some reason, no drama.

Just a little switch in terminology can bring quite a different outcome. How does it sound ? :)

Women, know your limits !

Ah! Ah! Just in a funny mood today. :D

What do you think of this ? :)

I chose not to be a victim

Just stumbled on that article about traumas :

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-is-your-belief-system-about-trauma.html

Objectively, I’ve experienced more traumas than the average person living in a free occidental democracy : multiple assaults and rapes, sequestration, bombings…
Yet I NEVER felt I was a victim. I’m not because I’m alive and never gave my aggressors the satisfaction to get what they actually sought.
None of those and none of them have taken their toll on me.

Feeling so led me to not generalize anything and to not believe because it happened once, it would happen again, with any other man or every time I would be under similar circumstances. Every story is a new story, with a new person. Every new story is a brand new experience.

I never thought “why me” and even less “I somehow deserved it”.
Facts are facts and neutral. As the article said, life is neither fair nor unfair. WE perceive it as such because we’ve been conditioned to believe if we are “good”, we will be rewarded, but if we are “bad”, we will be punished.
Nothing is more untrue, it doesn’t work this way. Look around you, you will see plenty of evidences of that.
As soon as you’ve integrated this idea, you’re saved. You understand those events are not related to you or your behavior, but totally random.

Your choice then to decide wether you will let them spoil the rest of your life and prevent you from living and enjoying it to the fullest or wether you will take them for what they are : random facts, experiences among others making you more knowledgeable, more skilled and capable to handle even more even better.

I know what my choice is. What is yours ?

How your presentation can sabotage your chances in on line dating

Most websites offer the option to give general info about you, your situation, hobbies, etc… beside the introduction text. Make sure you’ve filled it out. Of course, you don’t need to answer ALL the questions. Yet, although it will not always systematically rule you out, no answer or a blank one may not always play in your favor. Avoid anything which can lead people to think you’ve got something to hide.
It can also look like you didn’t take it seriously enough. If you can’t even find enough time to correctly fill a profile out, you allow people to question your level of investment.

Although of course you’d better choose the right bait to catch the right fish (please see : https://getthefrenchtouch.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/first-steps-to-settting-an-efficient-on-line-profile/), a few elements will prevent you from jeopardizing your chances to attract somebody interesting.

Perfect spelling, grammar and punctuation are a must. You have plenty of time to reread it, have it reread, etc… So, no excuse there. You writing in a foreign language is not an excuse for mistakes either, in that context, for the same reason.
No text language. Beware of online translators as well.
The page formatting is also important. Make paragraphs, please! Your text will be easier on the eyes and your ideas will look clearer than the average. This is for the form.

Put whatever you have to say in a nice, clear and positive way. (see: https://getthefrenchtouch.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/reformulate/ , please).

Ladies, if your photos look attractive enough, many men won’t even bother to read your introduction, no more than the rest of your info, beside maybe your age and location. You can easily tell they would take every chance hoping somebody good-looking enough will reply.
An easy way to see if they’ve read your info and intro is to ask a specific question or mention something very specific about you they shouldn’t miss and they can refer to in their first message to you. If they don’t, chances are they’ve just skipped it and are not that interested in getting to know you specifically. No need to waste your time on them then.

Gentlemen, women, unlike you, will pay much attention to details and what it is you have to say, regardless of how good you may look. They are sensitive to words and won’t jump into a story only because your photo is attractive. They will want to know more and make sure your personality matches your looks. Most women will go through all the different categories so that they can pick as much as possible info about you.
Remember the attractive ones get tons of email every day. To catch their attention, you need more than just good photos. If your intro is not up to the rest of your profile and doesn’t stand out nor make the ladies feel like getting to know you, you’re doomed.
Should you look like Apollo reincarnated, if your text is not up to your photos, you jeopardize your chances with the worthy ladies.
Whereas, if you look just average, but your intelligence and your personal qualities show through your writing, they may think twice before casting you out and send you a note because, at the very least, they can expect to communicate on an interesting enough mode.
So, to attract the best ones requires a little effort and work on your text.

Show some creativity, please.
Unless it is very unusual and a big thing in your life, all that is otherwise mentioned in your profile is often not worth being repeated. It looks as if there is nothing else you can talk about and lets expect no real fancy conversation. Not very appealing, is it?
Too strict requirements about who you seek you may believe show you know what you want, if sounding like warnings will only show your lack of flexibility. As an outcome, they may make you miss good opportunities.
As can a big hiatus between your requirements and what you’ve got to offer. Keep your expectations realistic, please. :)

Bragging is no better than complaining. Histrionic or depressive personalities are not the most appreciated. Show your best face. Don’t lie though if you seek a lasting relationship.
Try to sound balanced, with a slightly wild side. Humor is good if subtly handled.

Stick to the essential and leave room for further discovery. No need to write your biography ! ;) A long text will discourage many to extensively read it. 10 to 15 lines are far enough, in my opinion.
Show what makes you different from others. Why should people contact you? What makes you so special they should pay attention to you? Your text should tickle the reader’s curiosity and interest, make him (her) smile. Create something of your own, keep your text understandable though.

OK, this is an introduction. A few gentle and engaging words about who you seek can’t hurt though. To show interest in the other person and open doors are always welcome. Ask few questions about her (him), for instance.

If you’re not a good writer, ask a coach or a friend for help. Every man and woman is different, yet few things are complete turns off to almost all of them.
Make sure to reread your text with a critical eye.

And last but not least, end your intro with something which will help your potential contact to bounce back and start a conversation. :)

To look your best, focus on your best !

Too often complexes women (and men!) carry about their physical appearance shatter their self-confidence. How sad, when it could so easily be otherwise!
We all have something about it we don’t like or would like different. Nobody’s perfect, right ?
I could make a whole lecture on self-acceptance, etc… to solve that issue. All good pieces of advice.
But there is a truth that works better and every time : what you focus on about yourself, others notice. What you forget about, they overlook. So basically simple! :)

Most of the time we wrongly assume that others see us with our eyes. Of course, it is not true. They are not us and come from another place. They don’t think with our mind, but theirs, their tastes, priorities and criteria are different.

I shall write another article about projections, because projections are a key issue.
Once you will have understood how they work and why they are so effective, you will see how easily you can improve your life, relationships and communication in many ways.

But for now, a few simple tips :
– Remember you are not a matter of only one or two physical features, you’re much more than that. What may look a big thing to you often appears as a detail to others.
– Never mention what you consider a flaw of yours when you seek to charm someone. Why deliberately bring his (her) attention to anything you would like him (her) to forget about unless you seek to self-sabotage.
– Focus on what you like instead. Yes, there is something in your appearance which you like. :) Think again… Your smile? Your eyes? Your hair? Your hands? Your feet? :D OK. So, from now on, think: “I am my smile”, “I am my eyes”, etc…. This is magic. Because it will change your own perception of yourself, thus the others’ perception of you.
– Of course, you’re not a matter of that only either. But if you catch somebody’s attention, better it be on what you consider the best part of you because it is what they will remember. ;)

When you focus on just one or two things in your anatomy which bother you, you implicitly send out the message that this is what you are. Deep inside, you know this is not true, don’t you? So, why not focus on what you like instead and send out the message you’re the best part of yourself? :)

It may require a bit of conscious thinking before it becomes a reflex and a second nature. It will happen sooner than you may believe though. Particularly when you can see the outcome of this simple switch in your thinking and perception.

You will seldom get a second chance to make a first good impression, so why not try this right away ? :)